


Knights on the case

by TheGameIsOn_Geronimo



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, Humor, Idiots in Love, Look I can write something happy, M/M, Matchmaking Knights, Oblivious Arthur, Oblivious Merlin, everyone is oblivious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 18:32:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16561067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGameIsOn_Geronimo/pseuds/TheGameIsOn_Geronimo
Summary: The knights decide that they just can't deal with all the pining and sexual frustration that comes from being near Merlin and Arthur, so they decide to take matters into their own hands. As (probably) expected: chaos ensues.





	Knights on the case

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This weird cracky fic came to me at midnight when I really should have been sleeping or writing my assessment.   
> It might be quite out of character, but hopefully it's just a nice, amusing story that you can smile/laugh at.  
> I do not own BBC Merlin and any mistakes are my own.  
> Enjoy! :)

It starts, because it actually gets physically painful.

Gwaine hadn’t realised that that could happen, but the fact of the matter was that it was so frustrating it hurt. And that was annoying, especially when the solution to the problem wasn’t even difficult. It was right there in front of everyone and yet they were too blind to see it.

It was in the way they gazed at each other when the other wasn’t looking (or even when the other was looking, and come on surely that sends out some sort of signal?) It was in the way they quietly looked out for each other every day, the first glance each of them did when something happened directed at the other to gauge their reaction. It was in the way they touched, cautious and yet familiar, hesitant but like neither one of them wanted the contact to stop.

Gwaine was reaching the end of his tether, and he really couldn’t deal with it anymore. And so, Operation get Merlin and Arthur together was born.

***

It took a while for the plan to catch on. He described it one day to the knights while sitting around a table in the tavern. Percival nodded slowly in pensive thought, but seemed to agree it was a good idea.

Leon flat out refused. Saying: “It’s the King’s business who he courts and how, I can’t believe you would suggest such a thing blah blah blah” and going bright red, and spluttering rather a lot.

Elyan merely asks: “Do you think if they were together Arthur would go easier on us in training?” And Gwaine instantly answers: “Yes, because one: All the frustration he brings to training will be used in other activities, and two: said other activities will take up a lot of his time so training will have to be sacrificed.” Elyan nods, and just like that, he’s in.

Lancelot takes a drink and says something fucking wise and incomprehensible like “Destiny will find a way without us meddling in it.” Gwaine blinks at him in confusion, squints a bit as he tries to get his brain to work, and then goes to get another drink because he can’t deal with talk of destinies while even remotely sober.

It takes a long ride without Merlin, in which Arthur bemoans his servant and his _stupid ears_ with a fond little smile on his face which makes Gwaine want to strangle him in annoyance, to convince the others. Leon pulls him aside while they’re collecting firewood and just says in an embarrassed and generally gruff way like he can’t believe what he’s saying, “Okay you were right, this has gone too far. I’m in.” And Gwaine slaps him on the shoulder and grins wickedly.

Back at Camelot, Lancelot corners him and says, “They’re a pair of idiots and they need help desperately. Your plan better work.” Gwaine doesn’t even get the opportunity to ask what gave the knight that incredible epiphany, but he doesn’t care – the Knights of Camelot had all just gotten a new part in their job description.

***

The first attempt is admittedly badly thrown together, but certainly shows the potential of what their combined plotting could achieve. It takes Leon and Lancelot to look very serious (as usual) in the King’s Chambers and saying they think he needs to take a day off this week and do something to relax. Y’know like a picnic in the woods? With some time for your own thoughts? Just get away from the bustle of Camelot and let us deal with any issues.

Arthur stands there with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised, and while it’s good he doesn’t find anything to start throwing (an action seemingly solely reserved for a certain manservant) he doesn’t sound particularly enthused about this potential foray into the woods.

“In two days, you want me to leave Camelot for a day?” He asks slowly.

“Yes”

“To have a picnic?”

“Yes.”

“Have you two lost your minds?”

“No, we’re just concerned about yours, Sire.”

And Arthur narrows his eyes, glances out the window, looks back at his knights, sighs loudly, rubs his head, and then violently jabs a finger at the pair, saying “Okay, I can see the appeal, but if _anything_ happens you are to send for me immediately.”

The knights nod hurriedly, and then rush back to the others who are waiting in the corridor leading towards the physician’s chambers. They are part way through re-telling the story, with many breaks for accurate impressions and giggles, when Merlin himself walks into them, and Gwaine says “Oh shit” in reflex because they haven’t planned this bit yet.

“What’s so funny?” Merlin asks them by way of greeting, taking in their dancing eyes and their suddenly very serious expressions.

“Merlin!” Gwaine exclaims, “You’re back early!”

“I’ve just been doing Arthur’s laundry, there isn’t actually a set time I should be getting back.” Merlin replies, looking more suspicious by the second.

Gwaine waves a hand to bat the answer away. “What are you doing in two days time?” he asks casually.

“Mucking out the stables.”

“Ah brilliant! That can wait.”

“Um, well no it can’t, because I’ve been ordered to do it by the king? And if I don’t do it he’ll throw something at me.”

“Oh come on, he won’t mind. I just need you to do me a favour.”

Merlin eyes him suspiciously, “What favour?”

“Go to that clearing we found in the woods a few weeks ago on patrol and pick me up some of the wild garlic that grows there?... please?” He adds as an afterthought.

“Why do you need wild garlic?”

“Because, Merlin, it makes everything in this stupid castle taste better, and has also been known to keep away evil dark immortal forces with fangs.”

Merlin blinks, “Have you ever seen an evil dark immortal force with fangs?”

“No, but I refuse to take any chances. Conkers for spiders, garlic for fangs, I am well protected.”

Merlin looks at him like he’s worried Gwaine has lost his marbles, or is perhaps doing a stellar impression of being sober while actually being completely smashed, but ultimately he agrees to complete the favour.

Merlin’s back has barely disappeared around the corner before the knights are high-fiving and trying to muffle their laughter.

Two days later, Arthur arrives back in Camelot looking as prim and proper as usual (disappointingly) and being very confused at how much the kitchens seem to think he is capable of eating (enough for two), and Merlin deposits a whole sack of wild garlic onto Gwaine’s floor, which makes the whole place absolutely stink.

Merlin blushes slightly as he asks, “Did you know Arthur was going to be there having a picnic?”

Gwaine feints innocent surprise, “What? No? What did he say when you showed up?”

“Why aren’t you cleaning my stables?”

“And then you said?”

“I’m collecting garlic for Gwaine?”

“And then he offered you some of his delicious picnic?”

“No, then he looked like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t, and started raving about how stables can’t clean themselves, _Mer_ lin.”

“Ah. So you ran?”

“As soon as I’d pulled up your damn garlic, yes.”

“Hm, fair enough.”

It takes all of Gwaine’s self-control not to smack his head against the stone wall as Merlin exits his chambers.

***

The second time was flawlessly planned, smoothly executed, and again ultimately fruitless.

It was snowing, and they were on patrol (again), and Merlin and Arthur were sneaking glances at each other all the time (no surprises there), and Gwaine had a good feeling, because if he knew anything he knew that waking up in the same bed as the person you love was sure to have dramatic effects, and that was what this whole attempt was about.

It takes the skill of someone as talented as Gwaine to get the ball rolling, as he trips over on his way to his bed roll, accidentally spilling water all over Merlin’s blanket. He offers heartfelt apologies, as Merlin looks at the wet and slowly freezing piece of cloth in front of him. He regales them with stories of people catching hypothermia after sleeping either on the bare ground in the snow, or on a soggy blanket, and then looks plaintively around at the assembled knights saying “there must be someone here willing to share their bedroll with Merlin.”

And Merlin’s stuttering out excuses, and saying he doesn’t need to share, but Gwaine just talks over him, until Merlin is finally shocked into silence by Elyan saying: “Well the King has the biggest bedroll, so arguably he should share.” And all heads swing round to face Arthur whose eyes have suddenly gone very wide. He clears this throat, and than croaks out “Of course Merlin can share my bedroll.” (And on the outside Gwaine does not react, but on the inside he punches the air in celebration.)

“How noble of you, princess!”  he quips, and delights in the way both Merlin and Arthur are going red and squirming.

They settle down for the night, and Gwaine can hear Merlin and Arthur quietly arguing about where Merlin should put his feet, and where Arthur can rest his arm, and “God Merlin, you don’t have to steal the _whole blanket_.” He silently prepares himself to give himself a pat on the back in the morning.

However, when he wakes up everyone else is still asleep, and while Arthur and Merlin are _spooning,_ there is no other evidence to suggest that they have either expressed their undying feelings for each other, or just simply ripped the clothes off each other to appease their sexual frustration during the night.

Gwaine barely stops himself from stomping his feet like a petulant child, and goes to get firewood. It doesn’t improve his mood when Merlin joins him a while later looking as innocent as always, but shooting shrewd glances at the back of Gwaine’s head.

***

The third time is actually the stupidest bit of improvisation in the world, and Gwaine thinks that Merlin and Arthur’s stupidity must run deeper than he once assumed, because they still don’t work out what the knights are trying to do.

It starts when Merlin trips over a tree root, twists his ankles, and can’t walk, so Gwaine’s brain starts dinging and thinking “An opportunity!” over and over again.

Merlin is on the ground, and Arthur is touching his shoulder, and ugh the touching is so infuriating, especially when Arthur starts rubbing his thumb up and down in comfort. Gwaine seriously contemplates just marching over to them and shoving their heads together, but decides that that is maybe a bit too extreme, even for him.

Instead he exclaims very loudly, “Oh no Merlin, are you okay? Someone will have to carry you the rest of the way back to the horses!” And rushes over to the pair.

Merlin, grimacing in pain, looks up at him (away from the oceanic depths of Arthur’s eyes), and says “I’m okay, I can walk,” but then he helpfully proves this wrong by trying and failing to stand up and put weight on his ankle without falling over again. Arthur catches him, and great now his other hand is on Merlin’s chest, and Gwaine can literally feel the waves of sexual tension emanating from them.

Arthur looks very concerned and says, “You do need someone to help you Merlin. Gwaine, can you lift him?”

Gwaine purses his lip in the imitation of thought, and then says “Nah sorry, I pulled a muscle in my arm in training yesterday and it’s very sore. Percival?” He calls over his shoulder.

“I fell in some poison ivy and now have rashes all over my arms and any disturbance to them will make them itch like crazy.” And Gwaine just has to turn around to check he kept a straight face through that whole sentence because seriously?! He can see Percival’s arms and there are literally no marks on them at all?! What a stupid excuse.

Arthur is scowling at them, while Merlin looks a bit hurt feelings-wise, and a lot hurt physically-wise, with a small part of flustered thrown in due to what Gwaine has termed proximity-to-the-prat.

“Elyan?” Arthur asks, hopefully.

“I’ve hurt my arm.”

Arthur blinks, “When?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

“Doing what?” he asks, incredulously.

Elyan pauses, contemplates the best answer and decides on: “Punching a tree.” Gwaine doesn’t think his eyebrows can raise any higher.

“What –“ Arthur starts and then breaks off, “You know, I don’t want to know. Leon?”

Leon shuffles awkwardly from foot to foot. “I can’t, sire.” It sounds like it pains him to say it.

“Why?” Arthur asks, and then looks stern, “And this better be a good reason.”

“I have-“ he starts, stops, blushes, “um”, opens and closes his mouth a few times, “head lice.” Gwaine decides he might just die here, right now. Just let the ground take him.

Arthur blinks, like he can’t believe his ears, which to be fair is a good reaction.

“Head lice?”

“Yes, and I don’t want anyone else to get them so I have to stay away from people.” Leon explains quickly.

Arthur sighs, looks probably not as annoyed as he should (Gwaine assumes he was secretly hoping he could be the one to dramatically carry Merlin to the safety of the horses), and then hauls Merlin up into his arms while Merlin squawks in surprise.

Merlin spends the first 5 minutes of the journey telling Arthur to put him down, and arguing forcefully that what is happening here counts as _kidnapping_ , and then seems to realise Arthur isn’t going to stop so he shuts up. And looks out at the woods. Then rests his head on Arthur’s shoulder.

Gwaine begs every god he knows of to make Arthur turn his head slightly and press a kiss into Merlin’s hair, but Arthur just stoically marches onwards and gets Merlin onto his horse without even being remotely inappropriate.

***

The whole ‘Merlin has magic’ thing really throws a spanner into the works of the operation.

There’s a patrol, and then there’s a sorcerer (because hello this is Camelot we’re talking about), and then they’re all on the floor, or Gwaine thought they were all on the floor, but Merlin is actually still standing which is a surprise, and he’s talking, and then suddenly he’s _fighting_ , and not only that but he’s fighting _WITH MAGIC_ , and his eyes are _glowing gold._

Gwaine really should have seen this coming.

They return to Camelot in stunned silence, and as soon as they arrive Arthur is dragging Merlin to his chambers, and Gwaine follows them, because they’re either going to kill each other, or make out with each other, and whichever one it is, Gwaine wants to be the first to know.

What actually happens is that Arthur says a lot of cruel things like “I trusted you.” and “you betrayed me”, while Merlin lays his heart (almost) completely bare: “I did everything for you Arthur. I only use my magic to protect you.” Gwaine is pretty sure this is the point the “And also – I love you, you idiot.” Should be said, in which case Arthur would obviously respond in kind and actually be completely cool, and maybe a bit turned on, by the magic thing, and everything could work out. Instead, Merlin gets taken to the dungeons, and the knights spend the next few days witnessing Arthur having an argument with himself, with one side clearly of the opinion that magic is evil and all sorcerers should burn, while the other points out that it’s Merlin, and “you would never ever ever be able to give the order to kill Merlin.”

The second part of him must win out, because suddenly laws are being changed, and Merlin is being appointed as a court sorcerer, and he’s grinning in relief and sheer joy. He’s glowing so much that Gwaine almost has to look away, but instead he’s transfixed with the look Arthur is giving Merlin, one that says “I trust you. I need to learn you again, but I still love you.” And Gwaine wonders how anyone on this Earth can be so completely and utterly blind to each other’s feelings.

***

It is a unanimous agreement that the next attempt must resort to the simplest trick in the book: brute force.

It doesn’t take a lot to lock Merlin in a broom cupboard while he’s collecting a bucket, but one of them is sure to stand guard outside it so he doesn’t magic the lock open. What takes more effort (and results in many bruises and scratches), is three of them jumping onto an unexpecting Arthur, having a rather violent wrestling match, and dragging him half way across the castle to be thrown into the same cupboard as Merlin.

It takes no time at all for the door to shut, and the angry pounding and shouting to start up.

“LET US OUT I AM YOUR KING AND YOU WILL DO AS I SAY!”

“No can do, Princess. You’re staying in there until you and Merlin really talk.”

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, GWAINE, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.”

He doesn’t reply to that, merely sits with the other knights outside the door.

“It’s no use Arthur,” Merlin’s long-suffering voice drifts through the door, “They clearly want something and aren’t going to let us out until they get it.”

“But what do they want?” Arthur whines.

“I don’t know either.” And Gwaine thinks, oh my god these two are the stupidest, most idiotic, moronic people he has ever met. JUST FUCKING KISS EACH OTHER.

It goes quiet in the cupboard for a while, and then the quiet voice of Merlin speaks up, “Do you think they’ve gone?”

And Arthur replies, sounding miserable, “Probably. We’ll never get out.”

And then Merlin’s voice gets a bit lower and more gravelly, and says “It would be a shame to just waste this time sitting around then.”

And then Gwaine is on his feet, because there is the sound of kissing, but there was not a declaration of love, or any kind of discussion, or any kind of denial or confusion. Gwaine’s head spins with the phrase “what the hell??” And he has the distinct impression that along the way HE HAS MISSED SOMETHING MASSIVE.

The other knights are looking at each other and smiling at a job finally well done, and then starting to look awkward as a heavy thud suggests a person has just been pushed against the cupboard door. Gwaine’s mind is racing. Something here is not right, something is very very wrong. And without thinking, he unlocks the door and tugs it open.

The King of Camelot and the Court Sorcerer fall out of the cupboard in a tangle of limbs, both blinking up at the ceiling in surprise while looking thoroughly debauched with their red lips and panting chests.

Gwaine stands above then, hands on hips and simply demands “WHAT THE HELL?”

And Merlin has the audacity to grin and say, “Oh whoops they hadn’t gone away.”

“WHAT THE HELL?”

Arthur stumbles to his feet, straightening out his tunic, and raising his finger at Gwaine, “Sir Gwaine, how dare you –“

“SHUT UP!” Gwaine roars, and Arthur actually takes a step back. “WHAT THE HELL? YOU DIDN’T EVEN ACT SURPRISED WHEN HE KISSED YOU? YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO STOP IT? WHAT THE HELL?”

And then he looks at them. Looks at the dancing eyes of Merlin, looks at the slowly spreading smile curving his lips, looks at the blush high up on Arthur’s cheeks. Suddenly he see’s everything in a new light – the glances full of fondness, the touches full of care and love, the glances filled with longing, and he realises, oh shit, _I have been an idiot_.

He stares at them for two more seconds and then says, “You were already together?”

And Merlin ducks his head in embarrassment, and says “Yeah. For almost three years now.” And the feeling that Gwaine’s world has just crumbled around him must show on his face because Merlin adds, “Sorry.” To the end of his sentence.

“Does it matter?” Arthur suddenly speaks up. He glances at the open-mouthed shock of the knights, “We love each other, and we’ve been keeping it a secret because we don’t want everyone to know.”

Gwaine stares and nods dumbly. He can’t take his eyes off of where Arthur has reached behind himself and taken hold of Merlin’s hand.

He manages to find his voice enough to croak out, “No, it doesn’t matter.”

And Arthur nods, and then says, “Okay good, so now you can tell us what this whole farce was about.”

Gwaine opens his mouth to speak. Closes it again. Opens it. Arthur’s eyebrows creep towards his hairline.

“We wanted you to get together.” Leon states from behind him. It sounds so simple coming from him.

Arthur and Merlin both blink in surprise and then Merlin narrows his eyes, “You were trying to get us together, even though we were already together?” he says slowly.

The knights nod silently.

‘Oh my god.” Merlin says, “That’s just too good.”

Arthur looks like he’s about to open his mouth to reprimand them, but then Merlin’s tugging his hand and trying to contain his giggles and he says, “Arthur. They were trying to get us together, even though we were already together.”

And Arthur’s whole demeanour changes when he looks at Merlin. He becomes softer and calmer, and a smile tugs at his mouth. “Yes _Mer_ lin, I heard the first time.”

There’s something bubbling up in Gwaine, something like relief and joy and happiness, and suddenly there’s this huge grin on his face, because Merlin and Arthur _love each other_ and they _know that they do_ and they’re _together_ and they’re _happy_ , and that’s all he’s ever wanted for them. He says without thinking, “Guys you really need to have sex more often, because your sexual tension is well off the charts.”

There’s a beat of silence, and then everyone is guffawing, the laughter echoing of the stone walls.


End file.
